The Shrillary Summary : A Bitch In Snippets
The North American Public Bovine – An ex-president’s bitter half
Highlights of a passage from complete obscurity to total impurity in a single lifetime
She was born one mornin when the sun didn’t shine.
Picked up her shovel and went off to the mine.
Loaded sixteen tons of super-grade fraud
And the doctors all said, “Oh, help us, Lawd!”
I say sixteen tons, and whaddya get,
A whiney-ass lawyer with an ethics debt.
St. Peter don’t ya call her ‘cause she cain’t go,
She lost her soul in a moral escrow.
The Early Years – Planned Parenthood Poster Child
After her delivery, the cord clamped and cut, she was handed to a nurse, who gasped for breath and cried immediately. The attending physician, upon seeing the baby, viciously slapped the mother.
As a maturing infant she had skin which felt moist, like a worm’s, but was dry, like a serpent’s. A rectal exam revealed a slightly larger than normal forehead and a superego already in metastasis. Visual inspection of the genitalia was inconclusive, exhibiting characteristics of abundant testosterone with diluted estrogen.
As a child, she was in a state of normal good health until her balloon ran out of hot air and crashed. While recuperating, she routinely had gluttony for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. She had occasional bouts with constipation during adolescence, which disappeared after several years had passed and she married her husband, who had frequent abnormal lover function.
Before her marriage, she lived at home with her mother, father, brother, and a pet toad, who is enrolled in therapy three times a week. Her record shows that she claims to suffer from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Being from Illinois, she had only one child.
Her pre-nuptial physical showed both breasts were equally left and reactive to lights, microphones, and pictures of long-dead presidents. At that time, examination of her genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. She was scheduled for a bowel resection at one time, but took a job as a lawyer instead. Later, while in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated, and surgically freed of her annoying character flaws of ethics and integrity.
Womanly Jock Itch Years
Bleeding began in her rectal area shortly after her husband was nominated for the presidency and continued all the way to New York. As a patient, she was typically alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room and tiny little bells tinkled as insects emerged from her ears. The rectal condition was later diagnosed as a routine case of politician mouth and hummingbird ass.
An avid proponent of women’s rights, she has written numerous unread articles and is preparing a music video with the title piece “I Am Woman, Watch Me Sue.” Recently she has been overheard chanting something indistinguishable that her daughter believes is “I have finally become the man I should have married.”
The militant wing of NOW awarded her a black belt in whining and has submitted a proposal to have her likeness carved on Mt. Trashmore. She is looking forward to winning the Presidency so that she can have a shuffleboard court installed where she can put her tiara to good use. Amongst the figures she is considering for her cabinet are Barbra Streisand as National Security Advisor, Whoopi Goldberg as Secretary of State, Rosie O’Donnell as Secretary of Defense, and Susan Sarandon as Attorney General.
One of the country’s “top 100” lawyers, she intends to court the felon community as supporters by restoring their right to vote. Her belief is that such a campaign will ensure that she could never alienate the African-American community no matter how far she sticks her foot in her mouth in the act of trying to impress them.
In preparation for the presidential candidate debate cycle, she is re-reading notes and messages she wrote to herself after a number of people told her to go fax herself.
Early Onset Alzheimer’s – Delusions of Adequacy
Her new campaign slogan, upon which she has worked countless hours with Senator John Kerry, is ready for release. Her press secretary announced today that it reflects her true inner self and should once and for all satisfy the voters on where she stands in the liberal/conservative spectrum: “I am not who you think I am. I am not who I think I am. I am who I think you think I am.”
And for questions about her involvement in various rumors and scandals, such as Whitewater and Travelgate, during her husband’s terms in office, she has a firm and definitive response: “I have forgotten all about my amnesia and am not here to talk about the past. Whatever I may have done wrong during my husband’s tenure in office was not my fault, since we had never been President before and I was under great stress. And everything I have done wrong since is a result of having faulty information provided by the Bush administration.”
As for the unflattering photographs often circulated by her political enemies that make her look older than she really is or bored with what is going on, she has a snappy response: “Hey, I’m not exactly a 30-something any more. And besides, I suffered from PMS for at least twice that long.”
At a recent fund raiser sponsored by the Barbra Streisand Society for the Preservation of Offensive Language, Hillary reaffirmed her belief that “something needs to be done about that Israelish-Palestonian thingy.” She also had harsh words for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld, saying, “Don didn’t have any kind of plan for the things none of us could foresee back when it looked like a good idea to get rid of Sodom Holstein. In fact, his plan wasn’t any better than the one that John Kerry didn’t have.”
Spotted lurking at a Harry Reid “I’ll-amend-my-tax-returns-and-my-ethics-disclosure-statements-and-that’ll-be-the-end-of-it” press conference a few days ago, Hillary was asked what she thought were the odds of Democrats taking control of both houses of Congress. Her response, “Well, did you know that Lou Gehrig died from Lou Gehrig’s disease? What are the odds of that happening?”
Another reporter asked her what movie she would like to see on the flight to Chicago to meet with party officials. “Gee,” she said. “I hope it’s Showgirls, Part II, because, you know, the first one left so many important questions unanswered.
And finally, when pressed on some of the nicknames people refer to her by, she defined the term witch as “An ugly, repulsive old woman, probably in league with the Devil for nefarious purposes. Or is that a beautiful, attractive young woman often in league with the Devil for nefarious purposes? Or is that ‘bitch’? I forget. My amnesia, you know.”
Close the book.
