death bear

NOTE: This post was quality checked for truthiness and non-satirical content!

Death Bear.  Did we already cover Death Bear?  No?  Here’s Death Bear.


A man in the second-floor unit of a nearby apartment building in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn was desperate to get rid of something that was too torturous to keep but impossible to discard.

The anguished individual had turned to Death Bear, a macabre performance artist who silently walks the city streets in a one-man quest to relieve people of painful remnants of the past: love letters, photos, gifts, dog tags, underwear—a lot of underwear, it seems—anything that might reduce an otherwise well-functioning person to a sniffling wreck.

Yes folks, New Yuckers have descended to the point where they’re incapable of throwing painful mementos away, and are subcontracting to a guy in a creepy bear mask.  He shows up and takes your dirty underwear and...well,

“I take it back to my cave and it is absorbed,” Death Bear said.

I think he eats it.

His service has spread through word of mouth and the Internet.

“Help me, Death Bear!” read a typical plea that flickered via text message onto his cellphone.

QUICK, BOOBOO, TO THE BEARMOBILE!

“I feel I’ve moved on, but she haunts me,” De Santis said, explaining that he still struggled to erase memories of a six-year relationship that had ended two years earlier.

With that, he began pushing items across the table toward Death Bear. A stuffed rabbit, a teddy bear, a poem the ex-girlfriend had written for him.

“And I don’t know if this is gross, but I have a pair of her old underwear,” he said, tossing Death Bear a pair of dark blue underpants.

Yes.  Yes, it is gross.

SO: which is weirder...a guy who dresses up in a somewhat-menacing bear suit and takes intimate things from complete strangers...OR...the complete strangers who entrust these items to him?  I can understand if it was all just some postmodern in-joke and everyone was in on the gag, but some of these people are apparently giving the guy actual emotionally significant shit.

Someone up in NY should test the limits of client-bear privilege.  What won’t he take?
Some things I’d like to try:
1.) a cheap pistol, with the serial number filed off.  And a knowing conspiratorial look.

2.) ???

3.) “I admit the deed! --tear up the planks! here, here! --It is the beating of his hideous heart!”

apotheosis, wasteland legend apotheosis, wasteland legend
03/30 at 06:08 AM •
(15) Say it, don't spray it...*link*
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