Oscar preview


STEWART: Wow, thank you so much! It’s so nice to be here hosting the Oscars, where the winners are decided by an unbiased count of votes. That makes it a democratic process, unlike some institutions!

(the audience laughs and titters, amazed at Stewart’s cutting-edge boldness)

STEWART: I’m referring, of course, to George W Bush, who stole the last two elections! Ha!

(audience ROARS with laughter already. Camera closes in on Cameron Diaz, with uncontrollable tears streaming down her hideous face)

STEWART: Thank you, thank you. You know, it’s up for Best Picture, but one of the more disappointing performances at the box office was the remake of “King Kong.” I guess that no one in America was really interested in seeing a movie about a monkey, since we’ve already had five years of George W Bush!

(audience ROARS with laughter again. Camera zooms in on Jake Gyllenhaal, who is, rather comically, braying like a donkey)

**Hat tip to Ace of Spades**

The Ugly American The Ugly American
01/06 at 02:05 PM •
(19) Extra Credit • (0) pingsPass it on...
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Melissa in Texas.. watching and waiting said:

You could put someone’s eye out!
*morons*

in 'todaze PETArds are cold'.
~~~~~
DougM (commissarophobe) said:

Dennis is wearing a different tie from the one he took off with.

in 'an anal probe on Air Force One'.
~~~~~
gwillie said:

Bill Mitchell, a former Wal-Mart employee who was shopping Wednesday at the store, said he was saddened to hear about the announcement He did it… Then he found a reporter to tell how it made him feel… but that, “As a black man, I’ve heard worse things.” Now he’s shopping around for a lawyer to handel his Discrimination law suit!

in 'today's anonymous audience participation'.
~~~~~
DougM (commissarophobe) said:

How does it pee?
In its pants. It starts all warm and ...
(What? I did? Oh, yeah. Next post up.)

in 'sorry it's a man baby!'.
~~~~~
11B40 said:

Greetings:

In a similar but different vein, sometimes a public address system is just to much for the humorously inclined to avoid taking advantage of.

Back in the early ‘80s, I was working for the US Navy as a civilian printer at its plant in Great Lakes, Ill.  One of my co-workers was a guy, first-named Ben, whom I used to call Franklin in the hopes that some part of the greater man’s greatness would relocate itself to the younger man.  Focus was a bit of a problem for Ben as opposed to any deficiency in sense of humor.

One day, young Ben, having strayed from his more appropriate duties, was spotted by our Director, who, unthinkingly in my estimation, told Ben to call an all hands meeting for 2pm on our third deck (floor).  Ben, spotting an opportunity, “sine qua non”, summoned his most formal speaking voice and pressing the P.A. system’s microphone button, solemnly intoned, “There will be an all hands meeting on the third deck at 2pm this afternoon.  That’s 1400 hours for military types and for supervisors, the big hand is on the twelve and the little hand is on the two.”

That day was also my introduction to the nanosecond which was the amount of time between Ben’s big finish and my being called to the Director’s office.

in 'today's anonymous audience participation'.
~~~~~
MCPO Airdale said:

Kristy McColl:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZMjDfTeoQw

or

Loreena McKennitt:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B7sH5QLyXY

Either way, you can’t lose.

in 'KisP Daily Zen'.
~~~~~
SondraK, Lympian Slayer said:

JR knows all the phone systems and how they work and we’ve come up with some fun ideas from time to time for re-programming them..........

in 'today's anonymous audience participation'.
~~~~~
MCPO Airdale said:

An excellent role well played.

in 'reel thoughts'.
~~~~~
Claire, Ideologically Stubborn Heatist Ruralite said:

Attention walmart customers: all Obama voters please go to the electrical department.  The wall plugs are painted in skittles flavors—Free for your enjoyment.  Commence to licking now!

in 'today's anonymous audience participation'.
~~~~~
MCPO Airdale said:

Attention walmart customers: all democrat customers please leave the store country now.

FixedThatForYou

in 'today's anonymous audience participation'.
~~~~~
The Ugly American said:

I thought it was bog too but a couple of the online scripts read as “bug”.

*shrugs*

Still....I think I’ll change it.

in 'reel thoughts'.
~~~~~
The Watcher said:

‘How does it pee?’ Concurrent with the de-gendering surgery, doctors re-crafted the alimentary canal to empty into a cloaca.  Post-surgery, the newly genderless ‘it’ found itself unable to resist the urge to perch on overhead wires and defecate on parked cars.

in 'sorry it's a man baby!'.
~~~~~
mech (discriminating characterist) said:

Attention walmart customers: all democrat customers please leave the store now.

in 'today's anonymous audience participation'.
~~~~~
Melissa in Texas.. watching and waiting said:

Apparently the instructions for the PA were on the pillat pillar the phone was attached to.
GAAAAAH!

JonB… me too!

in 'today's anonymous audience participation'.
~~~~~
JonB said:

I didn’t laugh, I laughed my ass off.

Especially the reaction from the hyper thin-skinned entitlement crowd slag that instantly blamed the store instead of accepting that shit happens and there are dumb fucks in the world who will take advantage of anything they can to get a rise out of people.

They are like trained monkeys, and they reacted exactly as they’ve been taught.

in 'today's anonymous audience participation'.
~~~~~
RetRsvMike said:

i believe the proper usage is “..you Irish bog bastard..”

‘bug’ just don’t make no sense.

in 'reel thoughts'.
~~~~~
Melissa in Texas.. watching and waiting said:

I saw someone at Wal Mart simply pick up the phone one time and page one of their kids. Apparently the instructions for the PA were on the pillat the phone was attached to.
Made me LMAO… kinda like this story did.
It could have been anyone

in 'today's anonymous audience participation'.
~~~~~
gwillie said:

and left the Democrats with all the thinking

So is this an admission that the democrats can’t think?

in 'todaze Lympian quote o the ding dong day'.
~~~~~
SondraK, Lympian Slayer said:

Dammit, Hog! Yes....my slip’s been hanging outta my dress all day and no one fixed it for me?
That’s it. No more slips.

in 'an anal probe on Air Force One'.
~~~~~
Melissa in Texas.. watching and waiting said:

Is that kinda like allowing us to keep more of our paychecks so more people owe money to the IRS?
What a scam!

in 'Hm....'.
~~~~~



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